Too Many Steps /////// Isabelle Ferguson

    Allow me to preface this post by stating that there is a difference between a depressive episode and actually suffering from depression. A depressive episode does eventually subside, whereas depression itself is a consistent state. That being said, Kafka's descriptions of Gregor in The Metamorphosis upon first waking up remind me of what it is like to experience a depressive episode. Gregor wakes up feeling unlike himself, as if there is something wrong. He gives a description of what he can see of his body, noting his disgust at the way his body and arms look as he tries to get out of bed. He has the same persistent thought throughout his internal monologue: I have to get out of bed. Gregor makes observations about his internal and external environment, giving the reader a backstory on why he is so determined to get out of bed. However, no matter how much he tries, no matter the goals he sets for himself, Gregor cannot force himself to get up. 

    I experience Gregor's feelings (being unable to get out of bed, not the cockroach thing) on the days my mind decides to go into overthinking mode. Overthinking mode is best described by the process of getting out of bed. On a regular day, getting out of bed is just getting out of bed. On an overthinking day, getting out of bed turns into opening my eyes, throwing off the covers, sitting up, getting off the bed, and then moving on to the next step of picking out my clothes. Overthinking day is a walk in the park compared to depressive episode day. On depressive episode day, I think of the aforementioned overthinking steps, but coupled with the fact that taking off the covers means I will be cold, the floor will be cold when I stand up, the covers may fall on the floor, which reminds me that getting up means I have to make my bed, which reminds me there are so many more steps left to get through the day. Every step throughout the day turns into five extra steps, and I think of them all in the moments before I have taken the first step in opening my eyes. Like Gregor, I find myself acutely aware of the fact that it is getting closer to the time in which I have to be at work or in class. This exhausting process is known as Executive Dysfunction.

    The detail in which Kafka describes Gregor's depressive episode leads me to believe that Kafka may have experienced the same thing, or he may have known someone who experienced what was described. I am convinced the former is true. Executive dysfunction is a symptom of ADHD, depression, and anxiety. There is a direct correlation between mental disorders and having a creative mind. If we look at some of the great creative minds of our time, given many mental disorders are now diagnosable, there are quite a few who suffer from one or all of the three disorders listed previously. Robin Williams suffered from depression. Jim Carrey has ADHD. It is also speculated that past creative minds suffered from disorders that were unable to be diagnosed at the time. Vincent Van Gogh, for example, is speculated to have suffered from severe depression and anxiety. Psychology was still developing in Kafka's time, so he did not have a word for his inability to get up in the morning. I have no doubt he put a creative twist on something he suffered through, and he turned it into the classic that we read for this class.

P.S. I commented on Bug's and Emory's posts.

Comments

  1. Hey Isabelle. You describe executive dysfunction really well. Honestly, getting out of bed is a lot how you say, which kind of sucks cause you know you have to do it but it'd be so much better to just not. Safer, almost. Great Post

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  2. Great post! This makes so much sense. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember and I have never heard of executive dysfunction being a symptom until now. The way you describe each “step” is so accurate that I was a little overwhelmed just reading it. People who have never experienced this kind of executive dysfunction don’t realize how overwhelming a seemingly simple task, such as getting out of bed, can be.

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